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Apr. 15th, 2010 03:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kat8chaTitle: 5 jobs the Otaku Van Squad didn't actually have
Author: Kat8cha
Pairings: Lose Van OT4, loose Karisawa/Yumasaki/Dotachin, Karisawa/Yumasaki
Rating: PG-13 for implied sex/pr0n times.
Disc: Not mine!I wish!
Summary:points at title They're not a bomb squad, or EMTs, detectives, or porn stars, and they fail at world domination. They are, however, completely nuts.
1. Bomb Squad
It was a mystery how it happened. Or, more accurately, it was a police case. The mystery, and the police case, were about who had left the bomb sitting in the middle of a doujin market. Or, not the middle. The bomb was actually placed over by the tables where the BL doujinshi circles set up. More than likely the bomb had been set up by some sad, strange, porn hating homophobe who had just chosen the wrong day and the wrong convention to work out his vendetta.
Not that he could have known that The Dollars would be attending. Not that he could have known that a member of The Dollars would enjoy BL. And not that he could have known that the boyfriend of the BL loving Dollars member would end up sitting down right next to where he had planted the bomb.
"Look at all the wires, Yumacchi!" Karisawa planted her hands on Yumasaki's shoulders, her voice loud and excited. Most of the buyers and sellers had scattered, standing back from the bomb in a rough half circle. The bomb was placed directly against one of the building's walls, though thankfully a decent ways away from the door. Hopefully everyone would be able to run for it if it went off.
Of course, the distance from the door would just make it harder for the bomb squad to get in. Especially since some people did not think the bomb threat was real and they were continuing with their shopping.
Yumasaki placed the screwdriver he had used to open up the bomb casing on the ground, then furrowed his brows. Dutifully Karisawa patted his forehead with a handkerchief.
"The question is," Yumasaki's tone was serious, "red or green?"
On the bomb, a timer continued to count down to 0.
"Shouldn't we, like, wait for the bomb squad or something?" Someone in the crowd questioned, giving Yumasaki and Karisawa a look. "I mean, they're, like, professionals and all. I totally don't think this is, like, a good idea…"
"We're professionals!" Karisawa shot back, "Plus, we all know the bombs going to stop at 1. It always does."
There were nervous titters from the crowd from several people who weren't sure if she was joking or if she actually believed that. Karisawa planted her elbows on Yumasaki's shoulders and her chin on his head. "Don't chose the red wire, Yumacchi! It's never the red wire!"
"Or," Dotachin interjected, "it's always the red wire."
The bomb entered its 10 second count down. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6…
Yumisaki picked up the wire cutters. It was now or never.
5. 4. 3…
Red or green? Red or green?!
2…
Yumasaki cut them both.
The number 1 flickered on the bomb's screen for a second before fading. A cheer ripped through the crowd, and Karisawa grabbed Yumasaki by his chin and pulled him into a kiss. Yumasaki wrapped his arms around his 'heroine' and proceeded to do as all 'heroes' in the movies did, once they had saved the day.
Make out with their favorite girl Friday. That was, of course, when the REAL bomb squad showed up and made a mess of the doujinshi convention and held three of the Dollars members for questioning. Togusa escaped because he hadn't bothered to come inside, and had been standing out by the van smoking the whole time.
2. EMTs
What few people knew was that before THE VAN, the van that Togusa loved more than life itself and almost as much as he loved Hijiribe Ruri, before THAT van…
There had been…
Another.
Yes, there had been another van that they all liked to ride around in and cause havoc and mayhem. This was during their stay with 'that gang before the dollars' and they were a bit wilder back then, a bit younger.
Of course, Yumasaki and Karisawa couldn't get crazier, and they never got less crazy, but they were younger and slimmer and maybe even in love.
Togusa, and indeed most of Ikebukuro, had never been able to figure out if Yumasaki and Karisawa were dating, or twins separated at birth, or just really creepy touchy-feely friends. But whatever they were, they were more of that a few years ago when they had The Other Van.
It had been a bad decision from the start. For one thing, Yumasaki had been the one to find the van, and Karisawa was the one who had immediately found out that it was a GREAT DEAL (whether she had threatened the seller no one ever found out). Togusa had been suckered in by the great price that he had barely looked twice at what kind of van he was now driving. He had, of course, test driven it, and it had great mileage and was sweet on the roads. The van had even clung to the curbs during a turn like Ruri's outfits clung to her curves. Sweet deal, great handling…
It wasn't even until he picked up Kadota that he had started to worry, and that was only because Kadota did a double take before climbing into the van. It's not like things had immediately gone downhill, Karisawa and Yumasaki were impossible passengers anyway, always demanding stops or refusing to buckle their seatbelts. But they didn't eat in the van, and they respected the upholstery. Even if there wasn't much upholstery in the back, just the one bench against the wall covered in straps, and then the gurney that Yumasaki and Karisawa had decided would come in handy. Togusa hadn't even worried about that. Sometimes you needed to strap someone down and threaten their life before they spilled their guts and you could get back to your regular evening of gang related activity.
It wasn't until Togusa came back from a milk run to find Kadota strapped down to the gurney with Karisawa and Yumasaki dressed up in lab coats playing 'doctor' that Togusa actually stepped back and reconsidered the van.
…he still didn't give it up though. He didn't give it up until the cops realized that the ambulance blowing through all the red lights wasn't a licensed emergency vehicle.
Togusa missed that van…
3. Detectives
The phrase 'a clue, a clue, I found a clue' was going to give Kadota a head ache. Either that or end up with him strangling Erika. Because nothing, NOTHING, should force a sane man to put up with childish repetitions of the blue's clues theme song while he watched two fully grown adults run around Ikebukuro dressed in deerstalker caps and trench coats. Of course, Kadota wasn't really all that sane (seriously after what he had put up with…) and he wasn't really being forced. He was watching Karisawa and Yumasaki because he was worried that the two of them were actually going to find a clue to the murder that had happened last night.
So far all they had found was a chalk outline, several disgruntled police officers, and a lot of yellow 'keep out' tape. Judging from the looks on the disgruntled police officers faces soon enough Erika and Walker were going to find themselves facing quite a bit of red tape as well.
"Okay, that's enough." Kadota picked the two of them up off of their hands and feet by grabbing the back of their trench coats and pulling. Yumasaki came easily enough, Karisawa resisted for a millisecond before popping up as well. "Time to take you two back to your padded cells."
"Awwwwwwwwwww." Thankfully Kadota did not need to actually carry the two back to where Togusa's van was waiting. Instead they plodded along looking sorrowfully like two woebegone children denied a day out with grandpa's magnifying box and a fingerprinting set.
He had no idea what caught the interest on the way back to the van but something did, and then the two turned as one.
"…no." Kadota stated sternly when both Yumasaki and Karisawa looked at him with puppy eyes. Well, Karisawa used puppy eyes, Yumasaki just pouted in a manner that SUGGESTED puppy eyes. People who walked around with their eyes perpetually closed shouldn't be able to give the impression of puppy eyes.
But Yumasaki had years of experience mimicking Karisawa's facial expressions. Sometimes Kadota wondered if the two weren't really twins separated at birth.
"But Dotachin!" Karisawa whined before she grabbed onto his arm. "It'll only take a minute."
"Two minute tops." Yumasaki grabbed his other arm. Then they began dragging him along.
Thankfully they were dragging him along to a used book store so they could dig up all the copies of Detective Conan possible (not that they didn't have every released tankubon so far, they just felt the need for copies) instead of dragging him off to a dark alley to find some sort of useful clue. Or to a roof top to do the push/fall/jump test.
That came later, and they only managed to get one flour dummy off the roof before the cops began to swarm the building and they had to flee. Togusa had then refused to drive them around anymore and Kadota had been left with two pouting would be detectives. At least until they remembered they had boxes full of new manga to read and they disappeared.
At that point Kadota was finally able to take some painkillers and relax with a nice book. Sadly he was going to need to put off finishing Lupin, he'd had his fill of detectives.
4. Porn Stars
Erika had really been looking forward to filming them all having sex in maid outfits, but Dotachin had said no, and Togusa had faked a stomach cramp and climbed out the bathroom window. Dotachin saying no wasn't exactly uncommon, he was the common sense, and the big brother type, and also just a little tsundere. But still when he said no and REALLY REALLY REALLY meant it, it really really really meant no. And this had been one of those really really really no's.
"I guess it's just you and me Yumacchi." Karisawa said with a sigh. "But who's going to be the cameraman?"
Walker put on his thinking face and looked around the room. It was Karisawa's little room, but they had frilled it up for the maid porn. You totally couldn't tell that the Rococo style wall paper and scenic windows were just painted cardboard surrounding a pink sheeted mattress.
"We could put the camera on a tripod." Walker theorized. Erika sighed and flopped onto the pink mattress, then she pulled a fluffy pillow towards her to cuddle along with her state of the art camera.
"That's boring! Anyone can put a camera on a tripod…"
Walker adjusted his thigh-high stockings, he tugged them up and checked the garters. "Well, we could take turns as the camera man?"
"Porn like that gets all shaky. And if it looks homemade we can't sell it!" Which was not necessarily true, but Karisawa had been hoping to make professional looking porn! Visibly upset Karisawa tugged on her frilly head dress and would have tugged it off except it was held in place by copious amounts of hair gel and bobby pins.
"…" Yumasaki dropped onto the mattress beside her. "Mistress~ you look upset." A warm arm settled around her shoulders. "How can this lowly maid please you?"
Karisawa swallowed a giggle and snuggled into Yumasaki's chest. "Cuddle me now, slave, and then tomorrow we take over the world."
5. World Dictators
"No." Kadota removed the box of sad looking kittens from Walker's arms. The kittens meowed piteously and recognizing a potential (sucker) mother figure tried to climb out of the box to snuzzle Dotachin. Some of them even began to purr.
Walker was upset. The kittens had taken one look at his face and began meowing their heads off.
"But Dotachin!" Karisawa waved the paper in the air. "It's fool proof."
It was. It was a three step plan to conquering the world.
Step one – collect homeless kittens.
Step two - ?
Step three – profit.
Walker and Erika had come up with it together.
"No." Kadota picked one of the cats out of the box and handed it to Togusa who immediately set to snuggling the flea ridden rascal. The cat happily clawed at Togusa's face. "Put on your cat ears we're handing Kittens out to people."
Then Kadota kicked the door open and walked out in the hall.
"Psst. Yumacchi!" Karisawa waved Yumasaki over and pointed at the mysterious step two. Meeting Karisawa's look Yumasaki nodded.
Step two – hand kittens out to unsuspecting families.
They were well on their way to step three.
Author: Kat8cha
Pairings: Lose Van OT4, loose Karisawa/Yumasaki/Dotachin, Karisawa/Yumasaki
Rating: PG-13 for implied sex/pr0n times.
Disc: Not mine!
Summary:
1. Bomb Squad
It was a mystery how it happened. Or, more accurately, it was a police case. The mystery, and the police case, were about who had left the bomb sitting in the middle of a doujin market. Or, not the middle. The bomb was actually placed over by the tables where the BL doujinshi circles set up. More than likely the bomb had been set up by some sad, strange, porn hating homophobe who had just chosen the wrong day and the wrong convention to work out his vendetta.
Not that he could have known that The Dollars would be attending. Not that he could have known that a member of The Dollars would enjoy BL. And not that he could have known that the boyfriend of the BL loving Dollars member would end up sitting down right next to where he had planted the bomb.
"Look at all the wires, Yumacchi!" Karisawa planted her hands on Yumasaki's shoulders, her voice loud and excited. Most of the buyers and sellers had scattered, standing back from the bomb in a rough half circle. The bomb was placed directly against one of the building's walls, though thankfully a decent ways away from the door. Hopefully everyone would be able to run for it if it went off.
Of course, the distance from the door would just make it harder for the bomb squad to get in. Especially since some people did not think the bomb threat was real and they were continuing with their shopping.
Yumasaki placed the screwdriver he had used to open up the bomb casing on the ground, then furrowed his brows. Dutifully Karisawa patted his forehead with a handkerchief.
"The question is," Yumasaki's tone was serious, "red or green?"
On the bomb, a timer continued to count down to 0.
"Shouldn't we, like, wait for the bomb squad or something?" Someone in the crowd questioned, giving Yumasaki and Karisawa a look. "I mean, they're, like, professionals and all. I totally don't think this is, like, a good idea…"
"We're professionals!" Karisawa shot back, "Plus, we all know the bombs going to stop at 1. It always does."
There were nervous titters from the crowd from several people who weren't sure if she was joking or if she actually believed that. Karisawa planted her elbows on Yumasaki's shoulders and her chin on his head. "Don't chose the red wire, Yumacchi! It's never the red wire!"
"Or," Dotachin interjected, "it's always the red wire."
The bomb entered its 10 second count down. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6…
Yumisaki picked up the wire cutters. It was now or never.
5. 4. 3…
Red or green? Red or green?!
2…
Yumasaki cut them both.
The number 1 flickered on the bomb's screen for a second before fading. A cheer ripped through the crowd, and Karisawa grabbed Yumasaki by his chin and pulled him into a kiss. Yumasaki wrapped his arms around his 'heroine' and proceeded to do as all 'heroes' in the movies did, once they had saved the day.
Make out with their favorite girl Friday. That was, of course, when the REAL bomb squad showed up and made a mess of the doujinshi convention and held three of the Dollars members for questioning. Togusa escaped because he hadn't bothered to come inside, and had been standing out by the van smoking the whole time.
2. EMTs
What few people knew was that before THE VAN, the van that Togusa loved more than life itself and almost as much as he loved Hijiribe Ruri, before THAT van…
There had been…
Another.
Yes, there had been another van that they all liked to ride around in and cause havoc and mayhem. This was during their stay with 'that gang before the dollars' and they were a bit wilder back then, a bit younger.
Of course, Yumasaki and Karisawa couldn't get crazier, and they never got less crazy, but they were younger and slimmer and maybe even in love.
Togusa, and indeed most of Ikebukuro, had never been able to figure out if Yumasaki and Karisawa were dating, or twins separated at birth, or just really creepy touchy-feely friends. But whatever they were, they were more of that a few years ago when they had The Other Van.
It had been a bad decision from the start. For one thing, Yumasaki had been the one to find the van, and Karisawa was the one who had immediately found out that it was a GREAT DEAL (whether she had threatened the seller no one ever found out). Togusa had been suckered in by the great price that he had barely looked twice at what kind of van he was now driving. He had, of course, test driven it, and it had great mileage and was sweet on the roads. The van had even clung to the curbs during a turn like Ruri's outfits clung to her curves. Sweet deal, great handling…
It wasn't even until he picked up Kadota that he had started to worry, and that was only because Kadota did a double take before climbing into the van. It's not like things had immediately gone downhill, Karisawa and Yumasaki were impossible passengers anyway, always demanding stops or refusing to buckle their seatbelts. But they didn't eat in the van, and they respected the upholstery. Even if there wasn't much upholstery in the back, just the one bench against the wall covered in straps, and then the gurney that Yumasaki and Karisawa had decided would come in handy. Togusa hadn't even worried about that. Sometimes you needed to strap someone down and threaten their life before they spilled their guts and you could get back to your regular evening of gang related activity.
It wasn't until Togusa came back from a milk run to find Kadota strapped down to the gurney with Karisawa and Yumasaki dressed up in lab coats playing 'doctor' that Togusa actually stepped back and reconsidered the van.
…he still didn't give it up though. He didn't give it up until the cops realized that the ambulance blowing through all the red lights wasn't a licensed emergency vehicle.
Togusa missed that van…
3. Detectives
The phrase 'a clue, a clue, I found a clue' was going to give Kadota a head ache. Either that or end up with him strangling Erika. Because nothing, NOTHING, should force a sane man to put up with childish repetitions of the blue's clues theme song while he watched two fully grown adults run around Ikebukuro dressed in deerstalker caps and trench coats. Of course, Kadota wasn't really all that sane (seriously after what he had put up with…) and he wasn't really being forced. He was watching Karisawa and Yumasaki because he was worried that the two of them were actually going to find a clue to the murder that had happened last night.
So far all they had found was a chalk outline, several disgruntled police officers, and a lot of yellow 'keep out' tape. Judging from the looks on the disgruntled police officers faces soon enough Erika and Walker were going to find themselves facing quite a bit of red tape as well.
"Okay, that's enough." Kadota picked the two of them up off of their hands and feet by grabbing the back of their trench coats and pulling. Yumasaki came easily enough, Karisawa resisted for a millisecond before popping up as well. "Time to take you two back to your padded cells."
"Awwwwwwwwwww." Thankfully Kadota did not need to actually carry the two back to where Togusa's van was waiting. Instead they plodded along looking sorrowfully like two woebegone children denied a day out with grandpa's magnifying box and a fingerprinting set.
He had no idea what caught the interest on the way back to the van but something did, and then the two turned as one.
"…no." Kadota stated sternly when both Yumasaki and Karisawa looked at him with puppy eyes. Well, Karisawa used puppy eyes, Yumasaki just pouted in a manner that SUGGESTED puppy eyes. People who walked around with their eyes perpetually closed shouldn't be able to give the impression of puppy eyes.
But Yumasaki had years of experience mimicking Karisawa's facial expressions. Sometimes Kadota wondered if the two weren't really twins separated at birth.
"But Dotachin!" Karisawa whined before she grabbed onto his arm. "It'll only take a minute."
"Two minute tops." Yumasaki grabbed his other arm. Then they began dragging him along.
Thankfully they were dragging him along to a used book store so they could dig up all the copies of Detective Conan possible (not that they didn't have every released tankubon so far, they just felt the need for copies) instead of dragging him off to a dark alley to find some sort of useful clue. Or to a roof top to do the push/fall/jump test.
That came later, and they only managed to get one flour dummy off the roof before the cops began to swarm the building and they had to flee. Togusa had then refused to drive them around anymore and Kadota had been left with two pouting would be detectives. At least until they remembered they had boxes full of new manga to read and they disappeared.
At that point Kadota was finally able to take some painkillers and relax with a nice book. Sadly he was going to need to put off finishing Lupin, he'd had his fill of detectives.
4. Porn Stars
Erika had really been looking forward to filming them all having sex in maid outfits, but Dotachin had said no, and Togusa had faked a stomach cramp and climbed out the bathroom window. Dotachin saying no wasn't exactly uncommon, he was the common sense, and the big brother type, and also just a little tsundere. But still when he said no and REALLY REALLY REALLY meant it, it really really really meant no. And this had been one of those really really really no's.
"I guess it's just you and me Yumacchi." Karisawa said with a sigh. "But who's going to be the cameraman?"
Walker put on his thinking face and looked around the room. It was Karisawa's little room, but they had frilled it up for the maid porn. You totally couldn't tell that the Rococo style wall paper and scenic windows were just painted cardboard surrounding a pink sheeted mattress.
"We could put the camera on a tripod." Walker theorized. Erika sighed and flopped onto the pink mattress, then she pulled a fluffy pillow towards her to cuddle along with her state of the art camera.
"That's boring! Anyone can put a camera on a tripod…"
Walker adjusted his thigh-high stockings, he tugged them up and checked the garters. "Well, we could take turns as the camera man?"
"Porn like that gets all shaky. And if it looks homemade we can't sell it!" Which was not necessarily true, but Karisawa had been hoping to make professional looking porn! Visibly upset Karisawa tugged on her frilly head dress and would have tugged it off except it was held in place by copious amounts of hair gel and bobby pins.
"…" Yumasaki dropped onto the mattress beside her. "Mistress~ you look upset." A warm arm settled around her shoulders. "How can this lowly maid please you?"
Karisawa swallowed a giggle and snuggled into Yumasaki's chest. "Cuddle me now, slave, and then tomorrow we take over the world."
5. World Dictators
"No." Kadota removed the box of sad looking kittens from Walker's arms. The kittens meowed piteously and recognizing a potential (sucker) mother figure tried to climb out of the box to snuzzle Dotachin. Some of them even began to purr.
Walker was upset. The kittens had taken one look at his face and began meowing their heads off.
"But Dotachin!" Karisawa waved the paper in the air. "It's fool proof."
It was. It was a three step plan to conquering the world.
Step one – collect homeless kittens.
Step two - ?
Step three – profit.
Walker and Erika had come up with it together.
"No." Kadota picked one of the cats out of the box and handed it to Togusa who immediately set to snuggling the flea ridden rascal. The cat happily clawed at Togusa's face. "Put on your cat ears we're handing Kittens out to people."
Then Kadota kicked the door open and walked out in the hall.
"Psst. Yumacchi!" Karisawa waved Yumasaki over and pointed at the mysterious step two. Meeting Karisawa's look Yumasaki nodded.
Step two – hand kittens out to unsuspecting families.
They were well on their way to step three.
