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Jan. 12th, 2008 03:10 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kat8cha...what does it say about me that...
I accidentally break people?
In RP and in RL.
I don't do it on purpose... it just generally happens. In RL I don't realize how much my actions will hurt. I used to go after something I thought would help, but would instead make the situation worse. I've stopped trying to help now. But I still make careless hurtful comments. I make them a lot. I admit I'm really mean. I tend to be really insulting. The more I insult you the more I like you and feel comfortable with you. Same with the more I flirt with you. If I'm really comfortable with you I might grope you.
I generally tell people. I warn them that I tend to insult them, and I warn them that I'm mean. My insults also tend to be backhanded compliments. But that still doesn't make it right. See, I'd wonder if it had something to do with my fear of rejection... but that doesn't make sense. Should I over compliment people? Or outright reject them? How does this stupid breaking thing work? I'm ultimately being rejected because I FUCKING BROKE THEM and it HURTS when that happens. Because I know it's my fault, and I know I did it and I don't understand it!
My RP personalities have a tendency to break/hurt people out of carelessness as well. Rarely is it preplanned. Generally my RP characters are so fucking nice you don't think they could hurt someone. But inevitably it'll happen.
It's freaking frustrating. Because I know it's a pattern. It's funny but the longer I'm off the drugs, the longer I have the time to study the patterns in my personality and my relationships...
The more I notice these things.
Maybe I can tie my breaking of people to my fear of rejection and my chronic underachieving. People aren't worth the effort? Not true, because I do put in the effort. I used to always put in so much effort. I was also on some serious drugs during highschool and don't want to contact any of those people. I feel uncomfortable. They're honestly a part of my life that I barely remember. I know it happened, I can tell you things about it but...
There are points in my memory where I can't remember what happened in a class. For an entire class. I know I took the class but I'll be unable to remember anything about it. The books we read, the discussions we had, who I hung out with. I know I hung out with a large group of people, but there were points in highschool where I couldn't remember their names. I mean, not 'uh... __ right?' but honestly their names did not exist to me. It's why I have the habit of giving nicknames, because I goddamn need somehow to remember you. If I associate you with a rabbit, or with this sport, or with something... I can remember you.
Ria and Tori, my kouhai, my wonderful kouhai who were there for me when I fell into anime, and dealt with my issues, and were friends with me... they'll forever be tied together in my mind. I'll never be able to separate them from each other because it's the only way I remember who they are. I remember them because of each other. I love them for their distinctiveness, I love them for them...
But I can't remember them for it.
It's depressing isn't it. 4 years. Over 4 years that I'm never going to get back. 4 years that are this big smudge in my mind. 4 years that people will tell you are years crucial to someone's growth. Sure, I missed out on all the fun that is highschool girls hating on me (mostly). I in fact developed a positive self image in those 4 years due to finally getting sick and tired of my depression and the fact that I hated myself and my body. I hate looking at people who hate themselves because of it. I say 'look at yourself. Really LOOK at yourself. You're amazing! There's so much inside of you that's amazing! I can see it! Why can't YOU!' Maybe it's because I was blind to any teasing. Maybe it's because I was trapped within myself.
Maybe that's why I lack the ability to form healthy relationships now. I spent so much time trapped within myself, my formative years, and the ways I use to express myself are crude. But I used to have healthy relationships. I used to.
Fuck. It's just kind of gone into a long emo post I don't really expect anyone to read. Just...
I'm really sorry I'm fucked up people. I'm sorry that some of you I will never be able to remember. My brain is fucked up, like really fucked up. I still don't have the ability to focus sometimes. Lots of things trigger my escape function and put me immediately to sleep. Recently I slept till 4 PM. 4 PM. After going to bed around 1 AM. Because I didn't feel well. Because it was storming and I'd had a migraine beginning that afternoon. So I slept, and woke up still in pain, and took some medication and crawled back into bed and slept freaking more.
And I should really be sleeping NOW because it's 3:39 AM. But my house is fucking empty and I don't feel comfortable sleeping in an empty house!
I accidentally break people?
In RP and in RL.
I don't do it on purpose... it just generally happens. In RL I don't realize how much my actions will hurt. I used to go after something I thought would help, but would instead make the situation worse. I've stopped trying to help now. But I still make careless hurtful comments. I make them a lot. I admit I'm really mean. I tend to be really insulting. The more I insult you the more I like you and feel comfortable with you. Same with the more I flirt with you. If I'm really comfortable with you I might grope you.
I generally tell people. I warn them that I tend to insult them, and I warn them that I'm mean. My insults also tend to be backhanded compliments. But that still doesn't make it right. See, I'd wonder if it had something to do with my fear of rejection... but that doesn't make sense. Should I over compliment people? Or outright reject them? How does this stupid breaking thing work? I'm ultimately being rejected because I FUCKING BROKE THEM and it HURTS when that happens. Because I know it's my fault, and I know I did it and I don't understand it!
My RP personalities have a tendency to break/hurt people out of carelessness as well. Rarely is it preplanned. Generally my RP characters are so fucking nice you don't think they could hurt someone. But inevitably it'll happen.
It's freaking frustrating. Because I know it's a pattern. It's funny but the longer I'm off the drugs, the longer I have the time to study the patterns in my personality and my relationships...
The more I notice these things.
Maybe I can tie my breaking of people to my fear of rejection and my chronic underachieving. People aren't worth the effort? Not true, because I do put in the effort. I used to always put in so much effort. I was also on some serious drugs during highschool and don't want to contact any of those people. I feel uncomfortable. They're honestly a part of my life that I barely remember. I know it happened, I can tell you things about it but...
There are points in my memory where I can't remember what happened in a class. For an entire class. I know I took the class but I'll be unable to remember anything about it. The books we read, the discussions we had, who I hung out with. I know I hung out with a large group of people, but there were points in highschool where I couldn't remember their names. I mean, not 'uh... __ right?' but honestly their names did not exist to me. It's why I have the habit of giving nicknames, because I goddamn need somehow to remember you. If I associate you with a rabbit, or with this sport, or with something... I can remember you.
Ria and Tori, my kouhai, my wonderful kouhai who were there for me when I fell into anime, and dealt with my issues, and were friends with me... they'll forever be tied together in my mind. I'll never be able to separate them from each other because it's the only way I remember who they are. I remember them because of each other. I love them for their distinctiveness, I love them for them...
But I can't remember them for it.
It's depressing isn't it. 4 years. Over 4 years that I'm never going to get back. 4 years that are this big smudge in my mind. 4 years that people will tell you are years crucial to someone's growth. Sure, I missed out on all the fun that is highschool girls hating on me (mostly). I in fact developed a positive self image in those 4 years due to finally getting sick and tired of my depression and the fact that I hated myself and my body. I hate looking at people who hate themselves because of it. I say 'look at yourself. Really LOOK at yourself. You're amazing! There's so much inside of you that's amazing! I can see it! Why can't YOU!' Maybe it's because I was blind to any teasing. Maybe it's because I was trapped within myself.
Maybe that's why I lack the ability to form healthy relationships now. I spent so much time trapped within myself, my formative years, and the ways I use to express myself are crude. But I used to have healthy relationships. I used to.
Fuck. It's just kind of gone into a long emo post I don't really expect anyone to read. Just...
I'm really sorry I'm fucked up people. I'm sorry that some of you I will never be able to remember. My brain is fucked up, like really fucked up. I still don't have the ability to focus sometimes. Lots of things trigger my escape function and put me immediately to sleep. Recently I slept till 4 PM. 4 PM. After going to bed around 1 AM. Because I didn't feel well. Because it was storming and I'd had a migraine beginning that afternoon. So I slept, and woke up still in pain, and took some medication and crawled back into bed and slept freaking more.
And I should really be sleeping NOW because it's 3:39 AM. But my house is fucking empty and I don't feel comfortable sleeping in an empty house!
