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Sep. 7th, 2005 11:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kat8chaI know that compared to the recent distaster sweeping New Orleans or the problems going on in Iraq or fuck it all the whole rest of the shitty world makes my problems look like fuck all but still they're *my* problems and important to *me* but not to anyone else. I suffer from chronic cluster headaches, and I think I've told y'all this before, what they are is a mix of regular headaches and migraines and they can and will go on for weeks. That is if I wasn't on the meds I'm on, but because of the meds they usually only last a few hours, maybe a day or 2 if they're really nasty. Well becuase of these migraines I did shit poor in Highschool, but also because I did not want to apply myself and felt lethargic and apathetic about it all. I never cared and so I basically got C's a few B's and the occasional A. That was it. So that's narrowed down my colleges and scholarships right? But I still could have gone to Bowling Green. *Wanted* to go to bowling green. Not Cleveland State, where I live at home and commute in. Not a place where I don't know anyone and have to deal with the bus every day. But I'm going there and I am doing pretty well. My mother keeps giving my shirts dirty looks though, and yeah they are low cut but I've seen girls wearing skankier. I do not look skanky despite what she may believe! She does it to all my sisters shirts too but I have to live with the bitch! And worse, I have to *live* with her! So when I don't past muster I still have to deal with her anal-retentive bitching!
What my mother has done to each and every of her children can pretty much be called 'emotional abuse'. We've been called 'worthless', 'lazy', 'incompetant', 'stupid', and she repeatedly tells me I'm a 'bitch'. Now the migraines saved me from that for a while because she realized that her shouting just made the pain and the fact I was regressing inside myself worse. Now though she's free to let loose and she does. Worse though now she complains about my lack of job, the fact I don't seem to spend a lot of time at school, my clothing, that I'm argumenitive, and bitchy and seem to have a problem with defiance. I never got a chance to rebel as a teenager so all the pocketed up rebellion seems to be rupturing like an infected appendix.
Still I learned to *lie* to the woman because she would not believe the truth. Do you know what that's like for a child realizing Mom's not infallible because she believed a lie but because she would not believe the truth?!?!?! Nine time's out of ten the reason I think about suicide is her. Not that I would ever do it, or at least I don't think I ever would, but the woman depresses and pisses me off like no other. She doesn't even listen to arguments. Not to mine at least. It might not help that halfway through I start to cry.
What my mother has done to each and every of her children can pretty much be called 'emotional abuse'. We've been called 'worthless', 'lazy', 'incompetant', 'stupid', and she repeatedly tells me I'm a 'bitch'. Now the migraines saved me from that for a while because she realized that her shouting just made the pain and the fact I was regressing inside myself worse. Now though she's free to let loose and she does. Worse though now she complains about my lack of job, the fact I don't seem to spend a lot of time at school, my clothing, that I'm argumenitive, and bitchy and seem to have a problem with defiance. I never got a chance to rebel as a teenager so all the pocketed up rebellion seems to be rupturing like an infected appendix.
Still I learned to *lie* to the woman because she would not believe the truth. Do you know what that's like for a child realizing Mom's not infallible because she believed a lie but because she would not believe the truth?!?!?! Nine time's out of ten the reason I think about suicide is her. Not that I would ever do it, or at least I don't think I ever would, but the woman depresses and pisses me off like no other. She doesn't even listen to arguments. Not to mine at least. It might not help that halfway through I start to cry.
